Most of the time, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm serious. I start out with the best of intentions, and then either my adult ADD catches up to me, or I get pen-shy (totally just made that up), and lose my focus for fear that what I"m going to write will suck. I wonder if that happens to other people. Not to be a shit, but I really hope it does.
I say I don't know what I'm doing, but I think that might be code for being lazy or unfocused. Both of those sound really bad, but it's true. Come to think of it, I'm not sure when I've really ever truly been focused on one thing for a long period of time. I love to write, but when the juices aren't flowing, you all get nothing. Jesus, look at this blog as an example. I was sitting here at my kitchen island going through material (some in my head, some on my computer) for my current project, The Jewel Box. It's the follow up to my second novel, Chief of Staff, and I think it's going to be a hit..if I can ever fucking get motivated to turn out some serious pages.
If I had to bet, I'd say that I'm scared of not writing something as great as COS. People absolutely LOVED that book, and although it made me feel great, it also scares the shit out of me. The damn thing is written in my head, and ready to be trans-whatevered to my computer, but something is holding me back. I shake my head, but I know what it is. Failure. It's something everybody goes through on one level or another, and it's something that everybody deals with - or maybe they don't and those are the people who end up shooting their co-workers and fellow students. Those are the crazy motherfuckers. And then there are the rest of us.
What do WE do when we have no idea what to do next, avoiding failure? And don't tell me that to just get back up on the horse. I'm laughing my ass on that one. Why? Because it's true. It's so true. Nope, I have no idea what I'm doing. None at all. I don't know what I'm going to focus on next. I don't even know how to make the decision. But what is gratifying to me, and hopefully other writers out there in the odd world we occupy, is this: who gives a shit? Write. Just write and see what happens. Not everybody is going to love what you do. Not everybody is going to praise you. Look at all of the people who THINK they can write, but haven't been able to get a book deal. Include me in those numbers. I think my new philosophy is going to be 'Keep Calm, Fuck It & Just Write'. God, that's awful - and long. LOL. Who cares?
It's daunting to release your literary babies out into the world. I'm sure I've written that on this blog in the past. It's daunting to be judged. But it's worse to keep everything you imagine in your brain and NOT release it to the public. Talk about insane! So, even though I have no idea what I'm going to do next, I pledge that it won't be empty space. I Will Never Write Beyond My Passion. Not sure why I got that fucking tattoo (and it's AWESOME by the way!) if I'm not going to write. If my wife reads this entry, I'm sure that will make her chuckle. :-)
Well, I've got a novel to get back to. And I've got a brain load of made up shit I need to get into my computer. What are you going to do today?