Thursday, October 21, 2010

If You've Got Leavin' On Your Mind

"If you've got leavin' on your mind," is being crudely reproduced by the band on stage. Would Patsy Cline be flattered or pissed? The jury is still out on that one.

I am standing, literally, in the middle of the land of dreams. Remember in Pretty Woman when that homeless guys asked you, "Everybody's got a dream....what's yo dream?" I can't help but recall that line as the bass thumps through the smoky air and the lead singer renders her ass off in an attempt to impress the drunkards at the Cadiallac Ranch. This is Nashville, of course, and it's what you should come to expect from the per capita leader or wanna be's and not-so-future country stars.

I admire both Karaoke singers and fools crazy enough to front a band - either in Nashville or Branson or at Lodge #3112 or wherever. I don't have the balls I did in my younger days. Back then, I would have been up on stage in a hot second, belting my heart out at the sound of the down beat. Not anymore. OMGeezy (which I stole from my wife), I cannot imagine the horror of singing in public. Weddings are about as far as I'm willing to go - and even that's more of a stretch outside my comfort zone than you can contemplate. Suffice it to say, if I'm not drinking from a flask outside of the church before or after the nuptials (and off-key recitals of the bride's favorite hymn), know that the earth may soon implode. PDL or Public Displays of Lunacy are not in my future.

Once the music ends and the crowd noise subsides, you realize it wasn't the wine that pushed you onstage, but some horrible compulsion to show your ass, fueled by the 12 beers you inhaled in four hours. Either way, the evidence of your out of tune indiscretion may very well live forever on youtube or facebook, or the next big thing. Shame, really.

I look up at the stage and a toothless drunk is screaming David Allen Coe's most famous lyrics. From the countless college pre-parties I hosted and crashed in college, I'm not at all surprised to find myself singing along. I'll hang around as long as you will let me. And I never minded standing in the rain. You don't have to call me darlin'.....dar-lin. (LOL!)

Now a co-workers is singing, "The Monster Mash." Oh my.

Hey, Patsy? Check, please. :-)