Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Ever Wish You Had Blinders?

So, I was leaving the office yesterday around 5 and the elevator in my building stopped on a couple of floors - which is unusual, as it usually whisks me right to the lobby at leavin' time. There were already three other people on the elevator and after it stopped one more freakin' time, a guy walks on from the 2nd floor. He was a big guy, probably 6'3" or 6'4". He stands right in front of me, although in my opinion there was clearly more than enough room for him to have occupied someone else's personal space.

Remember that the front wall of the elevator cars in this particular section of my building are mirrored.

I had been selecting the tunes I wanted to listen to on my iPod for the long walk back to my car and went back to it once the doors closed again. Well, in refocusing on my device, I caught a glimpse of his waist and thought, "How can a guy THAT big have a waist THAT small?" Unconsciously, I shook my head. I looked up for some reason and saw him smiling a bit. I couldn't tell if it was that 'You wish you looked this good' smile, or that 'Thanks for noticing I'm flawless' kind of smile.

We hit the lobby and walk through the security gate toward the front of the building. I'd slowed down a bit because I was apparently having trouble working my iPod, walking, and fumbling with my BlackBerry at the same time, so he was about eight feet in front of me. By the time I'd gotten myself together and walked through the doors, I noticed he'd now stopped in front of the bank branch (the bank I work for has a branch on the first floor of the building, and is dominated by floor to ceiling windows on three sides). This guy was standing in front of the branch and was taking his shirt off! Uh, excuse me? Am I really seeing this? Yep. I'm seeing this.

It gets worse.

You know how time magically slows down in your brain when you've witnessed something completely unbelievable? I do now. And it hit me in an instant, like I was dodging a stray bullet in The Matrix.

Not only was he tall, but you could tell he worked out. You could see that with his shirt ON. I was walking - probably slowly at this point - and I'm headed toward steps and a fountain, looking at this guy with no shirt on. He was perfect. Absolutely perfect. He was the kind of guy I HATE! He had the kind of body that my wife would so love me to have - but like candy falling from the sky or puppies learning to shag, it ain't gonna happen. Anyway, I could feel myself shaking my head again, and I knew my eyebrow was arching like it does when I'm disgusted, and I could feel the air rushing into my open mouth. I was aghast! Now, he WAS a little tiny bit ugly (and I'm not judging or at all happy about that...heh heh), but with a body like that, he could probably make women do whatever he wanted. I reached the first step (of like five or six) by the fountain and I realize I'm STILL staring at him, irritated because chances are excellent that he probably wasn't the guy standing behind me at McDonald's while I ordered a number 4, large size. He probably ate dirt for lunch - and burned that off spinning for an hour at the Y.

Shaking my head, eyebrow arched, mouth open, face twisted up like he'd just kicked my dog and I wanted him to know exactly how much I hated his guts for having the body I will have to undergo genetic alteration to get.

And then he looked at me! He looked directly at me!

OMG! Mind you, all of that happened in the space of about three seconds from shirt coming off to the guy looking at me LOOKING AT HIM! I was mortified. The only thing worse would have been if I'd tripped down the stairs or fallen into that damn fountain. LOL!

Guess who I saw this morning, jogging no less, as I drove my pudgy butt to work. Mr. Perfect.

Jerk.